


think it over, prima donna

by ellipsesificate



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, humanstuck AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-01-25
Updated: 2012-02-13
Packaged: 2017-10-30 01:16:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/326142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellipsesificate/pseuds/ellipsesificate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which two unlikely individuals do not exactly band together, but instead find themselves caught up in the unnecessary drama and shenanigans they brought upon themselves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. i

**Author's Note:**

> First Homestuck fic in ever, and first fic in a couple of years. :V But alas, I had been so goshdarn inspired by Roxy's introduction and imagining all the shenanigans she could get up to with our favourite Prince of Hope, and this was spat out.
> 
> Still experimenting with character voices and such, so critique is much appreciated, and only now discovering HTML; if anyone has some tips on how to make the chatlogs coloured and shit please help?
> 
> Future chapters will contain actual content.

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]**

**TG:** heyy rose  
 **TG:** rosee  
 **TG:** rppppppppppse  
 **TG:** *o x?? teims  
 **TG:** *imes  
 **TG:** rose i reeeeeally need to talk to u  
 **TG:** this is UBER IMPORTNT  
 **TG:** leik fuckng shit cuz ya cant bail on me i thought that we were bffs again  
 **TG:** iz this cause of the thang with john the other nite??? i was totes jking yknow id NEVRR actualy do that to you  
 **TG:** plz plz PLZZZZZZ ROSE :(  
 **TG:** :(((((((((((  
 **TT:** wwoww holy fuck youre such a fuckin drama queen

What?

Roxy Lalonde considered herself a woman of rational thinking and common sense, heavily garnished with an easygoing attitude and an appreciation for the awesome things in life, no matter her state of inebriation (and contrary to the lists that her friends and family had compiled throughout the years that stated otherwise).

As such, the ability to deduce that something was _not right_ with the grammatical and structural integrity of this response was not lost to her – now she just had to figure out the _why_.

 **TG:** wooooooow rose when did you start dirnking  
 **TG:** i thought u wre ABSTAINIING from that shit  
 **TG:** yo keep saying it rotted braincels  
 **TG:** kills your digity  
 **TG:** *diggity  
 **TG:** *hawt diggity daawwwg lol  
 **TT:** wwhat  
 **TT:** since wwhen the fuck did ros start talkin to blatherin idiots

 _Ah_.

So her immediate assumption was wrong; it happened to the best of people. It probably even happened to Sherlock or some shit.

Humming, Roxy stretched across her desk for her glass of vodka, the other hand flying across the keyboard with all the dexterity of…of a fucking _monkey_.

 **TG:** lil hoe embarrassinh  
 **TG:** *lol  
 **TG:** AAAANYWAYZ  
 **TG:** wheres rose???  
 **TT:** wwho the fuck are you to knoww  
 **TT:** i cant just be blabbin about her locations and secret doins to any common imbecile who cant type wworth shit  
 **TG:** wow RUDE MAN  
 **TG:** wat makes you think im an imbecil im prolly smrter than YOU  
 **TG:** fuk im like a monky and im still smarter than u  
 **TT:** wwait wwhat  
 **TT:** are you her fuckin alcoholic cousin or wwhatevver  
 **TT:** the one thats supposed to be bringin ovver that cat tonight  
 **TG:** whoawhoahooOOOOOAAA i aint no alcoholic k  
 **TG:** i think wat she meant to say was that im her totes sweeet haxxorr cousin  
 **TG:** the smexy bitch on the other side of the computer screen messing with ur data and files and shot  
 **TG:** *shitt  
 **TT:** aww fuck no  
 **TT:** ivve had quite ENOUGH of some bigheaded hackers bs right noww thank you vvery much  
 **TG:** lol dood i havent even done anything to messs with u way to spazz out mch  
 **TT:** wwhat the fuck evver  
 **TT:** ros wwants to knoww wwhat you wwant shes busy makin dinner right noww  
 **TT:** wwe just got back into towwn so make this quick  
 **TG:** hah wat ??  
 **TG:** aww fuuuuUUUUUCK  
 **TG:** hey listn  
 **TG:** do u know if she actually really really REALY cared bot that car  
 **TG:** *cat  
 **TT:** you mean jaspers  
 **TT:** wwell of course she loved the fuckin beast  
 **TT:** she has a little house and fuckin outfits and a CHAIR for it for christs sake but she cant evven buy me a fuckin latte  
 **TG:** yeaaaaaahh i kinda figured from when she lwft him wit me :(  
 **TT:** wwait wwhat the fuck are you evven talkin about  
 **TT:** is jaspers okay  
 **TG:** ummmmmmmMMMMMM  
 **TG:** if by ok u mean nott desd  
 **TG:** *dad  
 **TG:** *DEAD haha i bet jaspie has a whole buncha dads  
 **TT:** Roxanne.  
 **TT:** What have you done to Jaspers?

“Shhhhiii _iiiiite_.”

Roxy buried her head in her hands and hunched over her keyboard, as though she could hold down the pulse of stress and intoxication currently laying waste to the once mighty fortress of her skull. Maybe she should have gone about this a different way. She could have pretended that there was absolutely nothing wrong with the damn cat, that he had _always_ been like that. There was no way she could be held liable in that case, right?

Biting her lip, as though that could stifle her squeal of frustration, Roxy hurried to answer the rapid flashes of purple text before they got out of contr—shit, was that vodka on her keyboard?

…heh. She was wondering what had happened to that glass.

 **TT:** Heed my words, dearest cousin.  
 **TT:** If you do not tell me what has happened to sweet Jaspers at this very moment, I will be forced to take drastic measures.  
 **TT:** You may as well consider all of your efforts to be integrated back into the family obsolete.  
 **TT:** May every sip of alcohol you ingest from this day forward turn to ashes as you swallow it, and may your tongue wither away, and may the dark and unforgiving cosmos forever remember you as Roxy Lalonde, Feline Murderess.  
 **TG:** hhhholy shhi ro  
 **TG:** i alredddy saiddddd hhhhhhes ot dddeaddddd  
 **TT:** Roxanne, I am on the phone with a cab service. I am directing them towards your house, and if you are not prepared to leave your shitty apartment within the next twenty minutes, with Jaspers safely in tow, you will be visited by horrors not unlike the kind we imagined in our childhood games.  
 **TG:** :’(

**tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]**

Well. Considering that the sort of games that they (as in, Rose insisted upon when going off to Hogwarts had grown “tiresome”) involved being ensnared by the tentacles of broodfester throes and subsequently driven insane, Roxy Lalonde was, to put it succinctly, screwed.

**tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]**

TT: haha wwoww youre fuckin screwwed

**tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]**


	2. ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Roxy is an incredibly charismatic individual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **disclaimer;** Homestuck is the property of Andrew Hussie. I'm just trying to take care of the ships that he wouldn't even realize needed a lot of tlc. :V
> 
> While everyone in this series is hard to write dialoque for in such a way that characterizes them correctly, Roxy is really effing hard. So in the end I just reflected her constant misspellings with constant mispronounciations, similar to the way I can't friggin' talk. And then threw in some "sh" sounds because that is apparently super drunk sounds.
> 
> I don't know, I'm not drunk. B|
> 
> Also: My headcanon concerning Roxy is that as much as she really loves cats, she is not very good at taking care of them.
> 
> Can also be found at my Tumblr: ellipsesificate.tumblr.com/tagged/think-it-over-prima-donna.

"...so, IN SHORT, I hope that the strength of my rage tears this road apart as I drive away, creating a ravine that all of you and your shitty puck tumble into, a crevice that could only lead straight into Hell and a lesson well fucking learned.  SO GOOD DAY, FUCK-BRATS."

And with that, her driver finally brought his head back into the car and rolled up the window, leaving the stunned faces behind in a fit of acceleration and violent grumbles.

Out of a morbid sense curiousity, Roxy twisted around to examine the scene the driver took a sharp turn and the audience that he had reaped during his ranting vanished behind a line of barren trees and a fence.  "Soooo, yeah, it does MOT...ehhh,  _not_ look like any of 'em are gonna be linding in Hell...faaaack, laaanding, any time shoon."

The cabbie just snorted and hunched over his steering wheel, scowling eyes disappearing from the rearview mirror.  Shame, they were a really nice brown, matched the curtains.  "Well, guess what?  Maybe that was just a fucking metaphor for how I hope that they are _thoroughly_ punished for being stupid enough to play hockey in the goddamn streets when I'm trying to transport Lalonde's precious fucking cargo."

Roxy grinned, turning back around fully and shifting so that her lounging position in the backseat looked at least three times as sexy (or as sexy as it could with Jasper's kennel in her lap).  "Awwww, you think I'm preeeeshious?"

"A precious pain in the ass, if anything at all.  I'm talking about your cousin's dumb cat."

"... _oh_."  She dropped her attempted pose for a slouch much more befitting her drunken state, pouting.  "How is it that EEEEERRY'one knows Rose anywaysh?"

"How is it that the two of you are nothing alike, but your presence irks me just as much as her's does?"

"For the same reashon you yell at a bunch of kids playing hockey in the streeeeeeet!"  Leaning over the kennel with a cackle, Roxy batted at the curls tangled under the baseball hat the cabbie wore.  "You're an  _ashhole_."

The professionalism he displayed had to be admired -- his hands twitched against the steering wheel, dangerously close to turning straight into one the apartment complexes.  "Wow, holy fuck, of  _course_ you're related to Rose!  Sharp analytical skills and everything, must be hereditary!" 

Her rebuttal came in the form of a harsh tug.  "Woooow, dipshit, I knooooow sharcasm when I effin' see it -- heeeey, why we stupping?"

Now safely pulled over to the curb, the driver swatted her hand away.  "Get  _out_."

"What?  Aw, come ooooonnn-uh!  I was jusht  _teasing_..."

"Listen closely, because I'm about to give you some advice that could last you a lifetime; take your head out of your drunken ass and look out the window.  Your cousin is waiting for you."

Sure enough, Roxy's attention was drawn towards the sound of three sharp taps against glass.  "...Oh."

At least the driver was amused, if not a little bit cheered, by this turn of events; he sniggered as _she_ opened the passenger's door to lean in, a crisp set of bills in one hand.  Despite not being in the immediate vicinity of Rose's glance, Roxy could still feel the force of a thousand unwavering eyes glaring.

Always _glaring_.

"Vantas, you're looking particularly chipper today.  You may want to be careful, we wouldn't want you to overdose on merriment."

The beginnings of a grin vanished as 'Vantas' snatched his payment with a grumble, counting it as Rose politely opened Roxy's door for her.  

 _Too politely_.

"What can I say, your cousin here is just the biggest delight I have ever come across.  I think that if I ever got the honour to be her chauffeur, I might be so overwhelmed with pride that I would just toss all my clothes off and go streaking down every street shrieking _HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH, I am the LUCKIEST bastard alive!_ "  Satisfied with his payment, Vantas turned around to give Roxy a pointed glance.  "And by all of that I mean get the hell out of my cab so I can go home and try to re-salvage my day off."

Roxy rolled her eyes as she stepped out, Jaspers' kennel safely bundled in her arms.  "What-to-tha-fuck-e'eeeer, I know you love me.  Learn some shocial skillsh and maybe we could hang out twenty-four-sevs."

"May I be struck down by lightning before _that_ lapse of judgement."

"By the way," Rose interrupted, hand still holding the passenger door open, "Eridan, very purposefully, has chosen not to have me relay a 'hello' on his behalf."

Vantas stared at her for a second, brow furrowing.  "Seriously?  You felt the need to tell me that?  Fuck off, I already fucking explained it to him, and if he can't be half-assed to get over himself for one second--"  And then the frown shifted into something more contrite. If she weren't busy with worrying about her life, she probably would have found it adorable.  "Look, I feel like shit about it, but I don't have any room at my place and you of all people should know that he's a crappy roommate -- can you at least get him to _talk_ to me?"

"I'll consider having him indulge your crippling self-esteem and maternal instincts later," she said with a thin smile that promised many not-very-good-and-properly-familial things, "when I have finished my business with my cousin."

 _Shit_.  Shit shit shit maybe if she just dropped the cat and ran; it wasn't like Rose was a fast runner or anything.

"I'll consider that a binding promise," Vantas said, snappish once more.  "Now goodbye and fuck off forever."

"Give my regards to Terezi."  And with that and a tiny smirk, Rose shut the door; within seconds he was pulling away, middle finger raised in farewell.

"...shooooo, what wuss THAT all about?"

"Your attempts at deflection are poor and unsuccessful."  Any pretense of friendliness vanished, and now Rose was looking at her with stiff shoulders and holy _hell_ , did she normally keep her nails looking so sharp? Probably the only thing protecting her at this point was the-- "Give me the cat."

Drat.

Swaying on her feet, Roxy handed over the kennel with a guilty grimace.  Rose peered through the cage door as she accepted it, a glimmer of concern in her eyes.

Roxy wasn't sure when or how her hands ended up twined together, each knuckle and fingertip twitching in an anxious rhythm as her eyes shifted to the ground.  This was it, the end, her last completely-blown chance.  She had ruined an innocent and lovable kitty for life, dashed away any opportunity to be trusted again, and this was probably why Dirk and Jane had recommended that she didn't--

"March."

She jerked her head back up, squinting against Rose's stoic expression.  Her throat siezed up, protests bubbling up in a slurred mess.  "Whuh?  Okay, nooooooo way, you're jusht gomma -- GONNA -- murder me where there'sh no witneshes, ans I don't eben bet a chinsh 'n fack you I'm rilly _aggrivaded_ right now!  ...can 'e a'least take the el'vator?"

"No."

**~rxe**

"--'n he wush the cy-oooootest cat, jist sitting 'round in his widdle suit and all, a total stud, and he was _purrfectly_...ha, lawl!  Perfectly, sorry!  But yup, perfectly fine and shit jusht ten minutes before I messaged you, and I swear it wasn't alcohol 'cus I didn't spill any alcho'lol 'til _after_ he was in the kennel, so I'unno, maybe fuckin' aliens kidsnapped him and preformed tests on him withoud me noticing?  ...ah, dammit, meant _performed_."

"I think," Rose said as she shifted the kennel into one arm, the other closing around a doorknob as she came to a halt; Roxy was forced to swerve to avoid ramming into her cousin's back and stumbled into the opposite wall for her efforts.  "That you may have thought of your first ever plausible theory.  Call the press and rally the believers, extraterrestrials have come for us at last.  Perhaps you would like to lead this new, and much more logically sound, movement dedicating itself to joining your otherworldly brethren."

"You're frucking _crazy_."  With a scoff, Roxy pushed herself away from the wall and followed Rose inside.  "Y'hearing me?  That was the shound of my dersion for your lack o'respects towards my legit theories, mmkay?  You's be kishing my ASS when--"

"As deserved as your indignation may be," and Rose was settled into an armchair, already opening the kennel and pulling out her cat with care, "there are more pressing matters for us to discuss."

Jaspers meowed in agreement, paws treading through the air as he rolled from side to side on Rose's lap.  Roxy gave him one desperate look before slumping into the couch; the poor cat, forever now made _stupid_ by either her incompetence or by meddlesome aliens.  Fuck aliens, every last one. 

"Rose..."  She had to stop and take a deep breath -- even though she had screwed up her last big chance to win Rose's favour again, the very least she could do was make a heartfelt apology void of intoxicated rambling.  "Rose, I'm _sorry_.  I ri-- _tried_ so friggin' hard, and I was doing so good, but...but I guess I just _fucked up_ , like I always do, so if you want to never talk to me again--"

It was then that Rose's mouth twitched into a smile -- barely there and brief, but enough to respark her deduction skills.

"...hopy shit, are you screwing around with me?"

The smirk grew as Rose scratched Jaspers behind his ears, the cat mewing with his tongue out and spread out lazily across her knees.  "I had considered dragging out the joke longer, but alas...I suppose you were alarmed by the shift in attitude, from Jaspers being a perfectly alert cat to a much more languid disposition?"

Roxy nodded dumbly, and her stupid fucking cousin actually had the audacity to _chuckle_.

"I think you forgot that I had left behind some catnip. I wouldn't put it past Jaspers to have gotten into it."

"...SHIT."  It was Roxy's turn to laugh, and she took advantage of it.  Her knees drew up to her chest, as though they could hold back the guffaws, hands sprawled haphazardly across her chest and the back of the couch.  "Oh my _gog_ , I wush so rorried -- haha, worried -- that maybe I dids leave sim alc'hol out, and maybs he got drunk, and I 'membered whatchu said 'bout that shit being poisonoush--"

"Wwho in the everloving _fuck_ \--"  And it was in that moment of her giddy relief being interrupted, that Roxy Lalonde met the notorious Eridan Ampora.  "--thinks they hawe the right to sound like some braying _ass_."


End file.
